not pretty enough

the thing is

2008-08-27T11:00:59Z

so its time for my yearly post. its three thirty am. i need to be up at six thirty. inconveniently, it seems i have developed some sort of self induced insomnia over the last year. gross.

okay so first, i am a college graduate. this june i parted ways with the university of calilfornia santa barbara. no one was more shocked than i to discover i was capable of finishing something that i was not being forced to do.

this past year i listened to a lot of bob dylan. the man speaks to my soul.

alex and i are still together. it will be two years at the end of october. we say "i love you" to each other now because thats what people who have been together for two years do. and, i do love him.

i loved working at a radio station. i am hoping to continue down the broadcasting path.

my parents are moving to palm springs and the end of the year. i hope they will be happy there. they seem to be excited. this will be bittersweet as we will eventually sell the house to which i came home from the hospital.

i have been extremely unmotivated to find a job since graduation. until now that is. now i am just feeling antsy and ready to get on with my life.

i feel like this is the weirdest time ever. like limbo. i have no idea what i am doing or where i am going. and, i have never felt so comfortable yet uncomfortable in my own skin. i change my mind daily and i do things that sort of leave me confused.

the real world doesnt feel very real yet. what does that even mean anyway?

taking inventory.

2007-09-10T09:59:28Z

there comes a time in every girls life where she must sit down (i am sitting) and figure things out.

my life in the last couple of years:

i am wiser. (well, duh.)

i had a roommate. i never in a million years thought i could share a room with someone (especially a stranger) and anyone who knows me knows this is big because i am just crazy when it comes to sharing space. my roommate was a princess. and also a pain in the ass. usually. she never took out the trash and she used an extra foot of our shared closet space. yes, i measured. she listened to annoying music, thought she knew everything, and thought everyone was around to serve her. also, towards the end of the year she found a boyfriend and they would make out in our room while i was studying. i now have my own apartment.

lets see. i am currently trying to get myself through school at ucsb. i am going on my fifth year. i make it sound much harder than it actually is. my parents are pretty much footing the whole bill but i still hate school and therefore i am forcing myself through it. i know that sounds dumb because why would you force yourself to do something you hate? well i dont know. what i do know is that america is to blame because we live in a society that gives better jobs to people with degrees. what suckers.

i have a boyfriend. his name is alex and we have been together for ten months now. everyone says that is a long time but i only half agree. alex has a very big heart. he is also a stoner. we are usually happy but sometimes we argue. usually because i think he doesnt put in enough effort and because he feels i have to be right all of the time. both of these things are true. we had a big disagreement this past weekend and i dont know if we fully resolved the issue. i hope so. more on him another day.

i discovered i can cook very well. perhaps its genetics.

i currently have a job. i work at a non commercial FM radio station here in Santa Barbara. its sort of like a local npr station but even more non commercial if you can believe it. i really like working there. i am the promotions director and i am hoping that it will lead to some sort of entertainment-ish job in LA or some other city.

i have a nephew. he is two years old and g o r g e o u s. in november i will have another another nephew or niece.

i am supposed to be doing homework right now. i ended up here. i guess this isnt everything but its a start.

lovemytiara @ 2006-03-26T21:21:00

2006-03-27T05:22:10Z

oh, to be 17 again.
they only want you when you're 17. i am 21 and no fun.

hi

2006-02-21T07:49:15Z

"Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear.
The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all."
-the princess diaries

lovemytiara @ 2005-12-06T00:14:00

2005-12-06T08:17:08Z

fate is odd. so is timing. its also odd how sometimes you get exactly what you need.

i dont know.

and so i ask again, whats it all about?

2005-11-28T10:24:41Z

and then i am reminded...at two AM, as i sit here in the midst of conversation instead of working on one of the 34983498 projects and papers i have to do.
i live for these brief moments of obvious truth. they come unexpected and far too infrequently. for a little while i understand the meaning of life. i understand my purpose. it makes me want to cry. tomorrow when i wake up the momentum will be lost. surely, something new will pollute my thoughts. i wish i could thank you, but too often (like now) i let fear get in the way.

lovemytiara @ 2005-11-21T20:18:00

2005-11-22T04:28:04Z

i am so tired. all i want to do is watch movies but im trying to be responsible and do homework ahead of time. so overrated.

in other news, my boyfriends (gael and diego) are doing another movie together. i dont even care what its about as long as they are together. i love them and im certain they love me too. praise the universe, my life has new meaning.

lovemytiara @ 2005-11-09T00:59:00

2005-11-09T09:05:28Z

http://vote2005.ss.ca.gov/Returns/prop/00.htm

its interesting because when you click on the different cities/counties you can see which ones supported each proposition. im exhausted so i dont really know if that made sense. and maybe its not all that exciting but im amused.

and i hate my speech class. and see the movie capote. its way good.

goodnight.

lovemytiara @ 2005-10-16T21:38:00

2005-10-17T04:40:03Z

they lie to you.

lovemytiara @ 2005-09-12T17:59:00

2005-09-13T01:03:53Z

there are signs!

oy vey.

lovemytiara @ 2005-08-30T17:09:00

2005-08-31T00:10:46Z

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."
-breakfast at tiffany's

lovemytiara @ 2005-08-15T00:31:00

2005-08-15T07:30:57Z

i want to take a giant eraser and make certain things disappear.

you dont understand.

2005-08-03T06:43:37Z

i am going to be sick. i feel like im walking around with my head stuck in a bright orange helium filled balloon. its obnoxious and suffocating. i cannot breathe and my heart pounds so fast.
how dramatic, but its true. i dont need this. i deserve better.

but im at a loss either way and i dont want to lose. i want to feel better. i have nothing left so i have to be selfish. i apologize in advance because i am going to do whatever it takes to make me feel better. and at the end i may not feel better but i will be better.

so be it.

good night of nothing

2005-07-25T07:21:26Z

moorpark college's cutest couple

lovemytiara @ 2005-07-24T02:05:00

2005-07-24T09:15:20Z

i am digging my own grave.

get a clue

2005-07-18T08:10:56Z

"And there's kids playing guns in the street
And one's pointing his tree branch at me
And so I put my hands up, I say enough is enough
If you walk away, I'll walk away

And he shot me dead"

-b.e.

the summer of enlightenment

2005-07-05T06:22:30Z

"Most people have turned their solutions toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must trust in what is difficult; everything alive trusts in it, everything in Nature grows and defends itself any way it can and is spontaneously itself, tries to be itself at all costs and against all opposition. We know little, but that we must trust in what is difficult is a certainty that will never abandon us; it is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be one more reason for us to do it.
It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation."
-rainer maria rilke

lovemytiara @ 2005-06-23T23:47:00

2005-06-24T06:48:45Z

my feelings regarding the last few days:

adfsjklwqoieurqoijxalmdsxal,ma;oeiujaseiluaxlkjasd

shut up.

lovemytiara @ 2005-06-04T01:05:00

2005-06-04T08:07:52Z

let it all go.

i wish.

lovemytiara @ 2005-05-25T22:31:00

2005-05-26T05:39:33Z

what a horrible day.

9 AM dumbest counseling appointment ever.
3 PM i suck at life.
7 PM i couldnt focus in class because i couldnt stop thinking about me sucking at life.
8 PM katie cant come home this weekend anymore.
10 PM my rat, mr. rat is dead.

i wonder if this is karma.

im trying to keep it together

2005-05-15T00:57:33Z

if this is the "real world" then i hate it. i'm sick of trying to stay positive. this world is full of ass holes and people who only want to take and take and take. people are mean in the "real world". not all people but too many people. i'm not pointing fingers. i take just as much credit as the next jerk.

and so it goes:
i give. you take. you win. i lose. its great.

lovemytiara @ 2005-05-06T19:14:00

2005-05-07T02:17:13Z

i want to scream.

lovemytiara @ 2005-05-05T23:47:00

2005-05-06T06:49:51Z

today i turned in an essay that was total rubbish. how embarrassing.

everyone loves a happy girl

2005-05-03T08:34:22Z

i wish i could erase you from my mind. so cliche. i was just looking at photos from back then. i had forgotten that there were actually really really good memories. i guess its hard to remember anything sweet when everything that followed went south. those happy photos made my stomach drop and angry tears appear. so the photos have to go, at least until i can snap out of it.

i used to communicate so well. or at least better than what i do now. i was an open book, really honest. now i find it so easy to shut myself off. so thats what i do. i dont like to blame things outside of myself but perhaps it is my environment.

uggh so negative. im really working on this. im searching for my lost pride. today i called an old friend and came out with everything. the outlet id been searching for. someone who wouldnt be tired of my broken record story. but what can i say? im stuck in a big rut and im too chicken shit to get out. i have plenty of false hope. im waiting for a savior. waiting for inspiration. im still trying to piece the puzzle. how did i let things get this way?

on a lighter note...i spoke with various old high school friends today. that was nice.

buck up

2005-05-02T06:38:43Z

its time to put myself back on the map.

im having one of those need to "find my center" moments.